Relationships

Chapters.


 

I believe the universe talks to us. It is a conversation. I am trying desperately to listen lately. I feel like there is something the world is trying to tell me… but I’m not sure what the message is.

I was gifted this week with perspective. Perspective is always a gift. I am still working the worry stone of it through my fingers. Flipping thoughts over and over trying to find the place to store these thoughts.

I decided a long time ago that love was the point of life. I think I was right. Except life has taught me you have to cast a bigger net. The point is to have a life filled with all sorts of love. Your family, your partner, your friends, and to love those in need. You can walk away from some relationships and be better off or in no worse shape because you have love in another form there to see you through. I feel like this is something I repeat in my blog, but it often is place my thoughts spider web out from.

I face a lot of challenges parenting with my Ex. He is a tough personality and almost all things end in a conflict. Usually because we both communicate with each other ineffectively. Our conversations are often filled with mistrust, accusations, and allegations. Sometimes we argue with ghosts. I personally hate it, but I recognize over the past few months that I play a part in it. I want to do better. For Miss M, I want to do better.

And so, I am trying to hear him as a father. I am trying to not hold him to my standards of how he should parent or the choices he makes on his time. He is not going to be a father like I think he should be. But he loves her and he does his best. His best is not up to me to judge… if there was a deficit that will be between him and Miss M. It will be between him and the universe.

Miss M and I will continue to make contingency plans and prepare. After this summer I know she listens. I trust the head on her shoulders to make decisions. I keep brandishing tools for her to help herself. I believe there will be times she’ll be placed in situations she’ll need them. And, because I’m her mother and she is my heart, I will sit with her in the fall out. I will celebrate the triumphs.

I will understand that because I am the custodial parent, I work harder, longer shifts of motherhood. I will recognize that he sees things I do not because he has a different viewpoint. I should listen to it. There might be wisdom there. It deserves to be weighed in my heart. I get to succeed and fail everyday. His time with her is far less. He has to make his own mistakes and has less time to make things right. He doesn’t have the chance to fix the damage he does like I do. I will recognize that this must be hard. I will have a healthy respect for the fact I carry the spill-over. He probably wishes he had the burden. I will hold that sacred responsibility in a little more reverence. Burdens of love are a thing I’m blessed with.. and he goes home without. I can’t change it. That space is the best thing for Miss M ultimately. However, I can respect it more and keep it in stronger reverence. 

Neither of us– as parents– have any of this easier than the other. All of us parenting with an Ex are doing an incredibly hard task. It is a journey of a lifetime filled with so many emotional moments. When I look back and meditate on how this journey defined me, I want it to say: I kept my daughter safe, I fought for her when it was needed,  I gave him room to love her his way, and I learned to operate from the assumption Miss M is his heart as well. They both deserve me to do a little better with this.

Carry on and to our bests… I hope the universe knows I am listening and trying to understand what it showing me lately. 

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Oh gosh, I just spilled my guts. Please comment and tell me what you think. :)

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