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I should be asleep. I’m not.

Tonight is our last night as renters. Tomorrow we close on a house and become home owners. (Which, well, is temporarily renting from the bank for about 10-15 years.But home owner sounds so much better.)

Six years ago, I was in my old home with an infant… wondering how long before I lost the house, wondering where my husband was, and trying to keep my job in retail sales because it was a way out.

Five years ago, I had moved back into my mother’s. The post-college version of the walk of shame. I was working full time and began the process of getting divorced. These were the days the crazy train were rounding the track continuously.

Four years ago, I was here. In this apartment. Hanging on. Trying to be a successful adult. Trying to be a good mom. Trying to make it to capable, grown woman. Feeling equally a failure and a success.

Three years ago, I had a roommate. Match. Lovely, infuriating, diamond in the rough… Match. We spent many late nights getting to know each other… learning each other’s bodies, interests, likes. Squabbling over the DVR. Trying to figure out our roles in each other’s lives. We bought a grill together. We used it like five times.

Two years ago, I was on maternity leave. I was tired. We hired a house cleaner. A house cleaner! My house was clean and it wasn’t by me. It was magical. I still daydream about it. Which doesn’t have much to do with this post, but Im not above bragging.

One year ago, I was unemployed. We had the best summer ever. Playdates, toes in the sand, story hours– I spent wonderful, plentiful time with my kids. I got to enjoy them. I got to have adventures with them. I got the precious gift of quality time,

Today, we made french toast breakfast. For Blue Eyes. Because she asks each Sunday we’re home together. Miss M had plain toast. Eggs just aren’t her thing. We packed. I nagged the kids until they took showers. We packed some more. They watched Disney Descendants movie about a bazillion times. We packed some more. Match yelled at Miss M for jumping on furniture. Dimples took off a poop filled diaper without anyone knowing and then sat on Match’s lap. I laughed so hard. He threw out his shirt and shorts. We packed more stuff up. There is so much stuff. I have no idea how we accumulated all these things. Match drove Blue Eyes home. I heard drop off could have gone better. We chilled out, watched tv, vented, and made some love. My house is upside down. I should be asleep. But I’m not.

I have been really worried. Worried that the house was a mistake. That we weren’t ready. That I can’t trust my decisions. That I’m a terrible person for making my kid leave the school she knows and loves for a new one. Worried that the baby won’t understand the move. That maybe Match and I aren’t going to make it to full head of gray hair still holding hands. That the struggle with a modern family ins’t worth it. That he drives me too crazy. That i might not really make him happy. That this mixed bag is too weird for the kids. That I’m going to somehow lose this new home too.That this is too big a risk.

But today– all those worries went away. We still aren’t packed. But a day together, all together– made me see. This is it. The good stuff. This is my good stuff, This is the first week in the home my kids will grow up in. In a house they’ll break curfews, leave for first dates, struggle with homework, bake cookies, receive endless lectures from Match and I— where I’ll turn old in. Where I have a friendly face a house over to drink wine with. Where 90% of the people i love live in a two hour radius. My roots will be my kid’s roots.

I never would have thought I would be here now. A ring, a house, three lovely little girls to love– the occasional moment where the kids drive me so crazy I’m surprised my head isn’t actually spinning. Tomorrow we close. In four days we move. In about a year, we might be unpacked. 🙂

Goodbye rent. Hello mortgage. And having a place that will house all our happiness, sadness, grief, loss, laughter, smiles, and act as a ground zero for our adventures. This is great. This is hard. This is worthwhile. And I’m so glad I am here today.

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Oh gosh, I just spilled my guts. Please comment and tell me what you think. :)

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