(Originally written February 10, 2013)
Another year has made its way by. And here we are, just a few short weeks into the next. I do really love my thirties. And I have sat at my computer several times and begun to write… just never to find it lead anywhere. So here we are, trying again.
Things that have evolved since the summer:
I’m pregnant. Actually, I’m really pregnant– like elastic pants, sneeze-and-pee-my-pants-a-little, can’t-see-my-vagina-anymore pregnant. Let me get a few things out of the way, before you ask:
– No, Match and I are not getting married. A few days ago I would have said he lacks even the inkling. And while I have no issue with a marriage… I have a serious aversion to divorce. And, as awful as it sounds, the truth is we could end any day. People grow apart, people cheat, people start to keep secrets… and you are never prepared for when it happens to you. Why, on top of the heartache and sadness of things coming to an end, should we have to rub salt into raw wounds by spending money and time disentangling the legal ties. How could I vow till death do us part… when I know so well there are many other ways to kill a marriage. So, for now, I’m okay living in sin.
-Yes, I am aware that I will have two children with two different men. And, it kind of freaks me out. Because I know I’ll be semi-judged on this fact by others. Hell, I judge myself on it. (Two baby daddy’s!). But my life didn’t end with my divorce… it grew. One long, arduous ending rolled into a new beginning. I’m 32 years old. There are no guarantees Match will be my forever. Granted, I also believe there aren’t any guarantees he won’t be. I want a family for my daughter. Someone to help her move. To drink wine with. To share the burdens of my old age with. If we waited to be 100% sure… for the timing to be right… well, we’d never move forward. So, once again, I jumped right on in. Because, what I do know, is that I’ll be okay. That, despite the unconventionality of it all, family makes me happy. Match makes me overall happy.
-No, we aren’t finding out if it is a boy or a girl. There are very few surprises left in life. And, second time around, you realize knowing doesn’t make you more prepared. I want that moment in the delivery room where I just know my life is getting more full. Whether its by another daughter or the new experience of a son… well the gender is just secondary.
And while it is not a secret. Its probably the quietest I’ve kept anything personal in a long time. Life in the modern family… with exes you have kids with… lends itself to drama. I just wanted to make it through the holidays with a little less of it. I wanted to enjoy this pregnancy more. And overall, I have. We still have a few more humps to work out in terms of spreading “the news…” but I had my time and I’m ready.
Usually, with the new year, I find myself taking a night to reflect on how life meandered over the past 365 days, but honestly, the TV and recliner have won that battle pretty regularly. I can say this though, 2012 was nice. I saw two of my best friends get married, I had a few nice sushi dinners with my besties, I didn’t murder my three year old when she welcomed me to terrible threes with a few class act tantrums, I had a holiday season that was full of loved ones and I was able to happily gift give, my car made it through the year… It was a very normal and overall lovely year. I wish I spent more time with my favorite faces, but I think I wish that daily. I cherished the time I had… which is really the epitome of long time friendships. Its more quality as you get older and less quantity. Adulthood and responsibility and obligation spread your time thin… and you just have dry spells without actually seeing your favorite faces. But, it can’t squelch the joy and loveliness of catching up. Which is one of my favorite pleasures.
And that’s all the time I have right now. 🙂 Hopefully I’ll get back her sooner next time around.