(This is from March of 2013…)
I just spent that past thirty minutes crying in the shower while I awkwardly shaved my legs around the baby bump that by now is just in the way. I miss my vagina. I haven’t seen it outside a dressing room mirror in months. But that wasn’t really why I was crying.
Today is Friday. And tomorrow at 8am we have an appointment to put down my dog. And I have managed to keep the deadline out of my head, but its now here. She is a dog that can bite. And I have made it my job the past ten years to make sure she hasn’t bitten anyone. Now she’s about twelve. And with the newborn, one and half four year olds and a two bedroom apartment– someone I love has to go to make it work. And the dog has the short stick.
She is another refugee from my marriage. I gave up my other dog to the shelter when I had to downsize to the apartment and took on the single mom gig. Bailey was my buddy and that hurt. But Cady wasn’t going to find another home. She was old and aggressive and fearful… and she wouldn’t have made it out of the kennel. The rescue X and I had gotten her from is long gone. I’m her island. The really sad truth is she doesn’t fit into my life and hasn’t for the two years I’ve lived in the apartment. Her walks are in the driveway. She spends her days in the bedroom… because I don’t trust her with the kids and the legalities of jeopardizing custody if she bit one of them keeps me from risking it.
Yet, I’m her person. A shitty person as of late … because I can’t make a house happen right now. Or a fenced in yard. And tomorrow, my better half who isn’t quite as sentimental is going to take her to a small room she’ll never leave. And she’s going to go… willingly because she trusts us… and she’s going to be fearful and afraid because she always is at the vets… and then she’ll have an end. And I, despite all the victories of bypassing my old life, have finally met my ending point on this challenge. And it is a failure. It feels awful and I’m sad. Worst of all, I’m out of time to make this week more special. And I’m just so disappointed that I failed to keep both the dog safe and the kids.
This is my least favorite part of adulthood… choices that more than hard. They are practical and cold and calculated… and lack heart. So, I’m a pretty awful person today and tomorrow and for a long while.