Right now, I am a few days into a week of not having Match home. He’s away for work.
The kids don’t miss him yet. But we’ve been busy with summer fun. I actually miss him. A lot. I just feel like I am in a funk. Match usually can lift it.
Here’s the thing: Each day I wake up. (A blessing in itself.) Make coffee. Watch news or social media surf. Get kids up if they aren’t already. We have haphazard breakfast. Clean house. Repeat for lunch and dinner. Chauffeur kids places in between. Struggle with bedtime. Fall asleep laying with one of the kids.
I haven’t had a job I loved in a long time. Stay at home mother-ing is a labor of love… but it is a far cry from something that fulfills me as an individual. How can you keep pouring yourself into this role without ever having time to invest in your own self? My escapes are social media, a half cup of coffee and sitting in my car with sleeping kids until the next adventure must begin. Crumbs. And I can live off crumbs for a long time.
It is almost 14 months in and I’m ready. I love this life. But I am going a little crazy. A yoga class? A fucking hour walk around the lake? A part time job? A tattoo? Brunch with my friends? A date with Match? To watch a movie in full in a single sitting? To sit on the beach and read in the sun? Time to write? To volunteer somewhere? I think I am at the point where I don’t know what it is I need… but I know I need something. I feel like the most important part of me– being a mom– is all that there is to me. And that’s not enough. We are all layers of many things… daughter, friend, cousin, awful poet, kickass karaoke singer… Yet, the only life I’m tending to is that as a mother. Homestly, that’s getting a little frayed. Worn thin. I need some time in my other skins to breathe.
So I am trying to figure it where this chapter of my life leads to. I don’t think Match will ever be ready to make time for me to go back to work. Not the kids either. Which is a lovely compliment to our family and makes me feel like I’m a little better at this SAHM gig than I give myself credit for. But, I need a little more. Or something a little different. So I’m pondering….
Where do I find my income, my space, my interests and let them flourish a little while taking care of my family? I haven’t figured it out. I don’t know. Not yet.
But waiting for my family to be ready for it… well, I think they’ll never be ready until they have to be. So I’m going to make some leaps. We will be alright wherever I lead us to.
I just have to a goal to work towards. What do you do when you have a whole life stretched before you? And the possibilities endless? And so many opportunities to fall on your face and try again calling your name? Do I try to write that book? Teach? Start something new? Pick a job for benefits and income? Help the family store for a break from the house and take a class to balance myself out?
I don’t know. But I love beginnings. You never know quite where they will end up leading you.
What should I do next with my one wild and precious life?